Despair, Lamentation & is this the end?

Despair & Lamentation. A state of mind I used to be familiar with on a daily basis. Thankfully and due to the twin 'Counselling' and 'Buddhist meditation' journeys such a mindset is now a rare occurrence. This morning though as I leaned against the doorway of Rap3 looking forlornly out into the pine forest it was real. Very real. I had regressed into someone I knew from a long time ago whom I thought was gone for good.

Coastal Pine forest is the norm here in the Vendee area of France. Planted by us humans in order to stabilise the sand dunes they are vast with maze like tracks and paths everywhere. The sound of the sea on the miles of super sand beaches very often being the only indication of where you are. Tanya had been gone within the forest for three hours and for most of that time I had been walking the same vast expanse of pine forest in ever increasing circles all the while calling out her name. I was exhausted in both body and mind.

I'm always nervous of losing Tanya as previous blogs have mentioned. As she has gotten older with reduced sight and hearing and an increased aversion to being on the lead the chances of it happening increase. Especially so as I am not very good at maintaining a 100% vigilant mindset. I'm too soft and easily give in to her uncanny ability 99% of the time to return to our Moho within 10/15 minutes.

This tale however; is not only a doggy tale but also a story of us as human beings. We have two minds, conscious and unconscious, with the latter unconscious element being by far the larger of the two and eminently capable of showing its capacity to superbly and sublty be in charge. It can organise and control the environment both internally and externally to extraordinary levels in order to demonstrate that capability.

This trip Tanya has had three scrapes and survived as attested to in previous blogs. I was relieved about such a situation as my life experience has confirmed over and over again the 'things come in three's' rule. I was however; going to Plum Village retreat centre, a very special place for me but not necessarily so for Tanya. Plum Village is where she has had two of her lives seriously tested in the past so I knew I needed to be vigilant and extra careful.

This year Plum Village was special and I stayed for a week's retreat with one of the reasons being the community took Tanya to their hearts. She was well loved and I was much relieved. All in all, as far as I was concerned both parts of my mind seemed to be in agreement around Tanya. I was relieved and felt I could relax a little and give attention and effort to refreshing myself and in particular my meditative sitting practice.

Meditation is merely learning to observe the mind; in particular those parts of our sub/unconscious mind able to be observed and manipulated in order we live a better life. Not an easy process as our large unconscious mind is good at its job which involves a lot of maintaining specific mindsets and carrying out tasks deemed necessary but given many years ago and not relevant today. Hence unconscious mind is not too keen on my meditation practice where, over many years, I keep handing over new instructions which involve change which is hard work. So it needed once again to show me just how powerful, skilled and in charge it was in order I go back someways to how I was. Back to familiar territory and well trodden easy paths.

So unconscious mind cleverly groomed me. As I left Plum Village relaxed, happy and with a healthy Tanya I was in a good place. 'La Rochelle' slightly roughened things as the camping spot I had selected turned out to be unsuitable with the alternative being fine until the drunks left the bar just down the road continuing their noisy but good humoured noisiness well within earshot till 2am.  5.30am saw the first arrivals of the equally noisy Sunday Market traders. We, it very quickly became apparent, were going to be blocked in if we did not leave quickly, which we did, stopping again out in the countryside to recoup.

I was tired but still in a good place as we arrived at a lovely 'Aire du Camping Car' in 'Notre Dame de-Monts' close to the beach but right in the forest where I could let Tanya out without traffic or road worries. She duly did her bit, wandering in and out of the van with never more than 5/10mins between her comings and goings. As I drifted off to sleep I had no inkling as to how skilfully unconscious mind had set me up for the trauma that was to follow in the morning.

Morning came, Tanya went out and came back. I deemed it safe enough to leave her where she was, curled up in her bed, but with the door open so she could wander in and out. I meanwhile settled into meditation. Well that was the good intention I had, but settling was not there. I'd heard Tanya go out but 'deep mind' was not letting me in, instead deep (or unconscious) mind kept calling to my attention the fact Tanya was not back. In other words; "How dare you consider bothering me again with more trouble. Here's a set up I've organised that will teach you".

Despair and Lamentation it was then, well and truly. Plus all the horrors around failure, guilt, loss of Tanya amplified through my sheer physical exhaustion. A real regression to familiar old territory.

There are two final twists to this story. The first demonstrates how mind somehow sets the final act to show superbly just what it is capable of. The second is live and ongoing and as yet to play out in its one directional fullness.

The First.
Bike was out as I, exhausted as I was, set about widening my search. Then a phone call, and this is the weird, spooky, coincidental, call it what you like bit. A phone call from an English lady in this very French area, who had found Tanya. In fact Tanya had found her by wandering in her front gate. The lady and her husband had only arrived late the previous night for a week of renovation work on their cottage just up the road from the 'Aire du camping car'.

We were duly re-united and, I think, both extremely happy to see the other. For me though it was such a wonderful thing for her to be handed back along with good communication where I was able to unload some of my despair. She empathically understood and hugged. What more could you ask. A perfectly designed ending. Clever, clever unconscious mind.

The Second.
I'm at Cherbourg Ferry Port right now having rushed up here. Tanya the very next day was just not right. The vet I visited near Redon confirmed a weak heart and asked me what I wanted to do. Not a good question to be faced with when standing with a very sick 16 year old small doggy in your arms who can now hardly stand and only manages the occasional drink with help. I'm on the early morning ferry tomorrow. I hope she lasts. We've just had a chat and she would like to get to the UK before........