Despair, Lamentation & is this the end?

Despair & Lamentation. A state of mind I used to be familiar with on a daily basis. Thankfully and due to the twin 'Counselling' and 'Buddhist meditation' journeys such a mindset is now a rare occurrence. This morning though as I leaned against the doorway of Rap3 looking forlornly out into the pine forest it was real. Very real. I had regressed into someone I knew from a long time ago whom I thought was gone for good.

Coastal Pine forest is the norm here in the Vendee area of France. Planted by us humans in order to stabilise the sand dunes they are vast with maze like tracks and paths everywhere. The sound of the sea on the miles of super sand beaches very often being the only indication of where you are. Tanya had been gone within the forest for three hours and for most of that time I had been walking the same vast expanse of pine forest in ever increasing circles all the while calling out her name. I was exhausted in both body and mind.

I'm always nervous of losing Tanya as previous blogs have mentioned. As she has gotten older with reduced sight and hearing and an increased aversion to being on the lead the chances of it happening increase. Especially so as I am not very good at maintaining a 100% vigilant mindset. I'm too soft and easily give in to her uncanny ability 99% of the time to return to our Moho within 10/15 minutes.

This tale however; is not only a doggy tale but also a story of us as human beings. We have two minds, conscious and unconscious, with the latter unconscious element being by far the larger of the two and eminently capable of showing its capacity to superbly and sublty be in charge. It can organise and control the environment both internally and externally to extraordinary levels in order to demonstrate that capability.

This trip Tanya has had three scrapes and survived as attested to in previous blogs. I was relieved about such a situation as my life experience has confirmed over and over again the 'things come in three's' rule. I was however; going to Plum Village retreat centre, a very special place for me but not necessarily so for Tanya. Plum Village is where she has had two of her lives seriously tested in the past so I knew I needed to be vigilant and extra careful.

This year Plum Village was special and I stayed for a week's retreat with one of the reasons being the community took Tanya to their hearts. She was well loved and I was much relieved. All in all, as far as I was concerned both parts of my mind seemed to be in agreement around Tanya. I was relieved and felt I could relax a little and give attention and effort to refreshing myself and in particular my meditative sitting practice.

Meditation is merely learning to observe the mind; in particular those parts of our sub/unconscious mind able to be observed and manipulated in order we live a better life. Not an easy process as our large unconscious mind is good at its job which involves a lot of maintaining specific mindsets and carrying out tasks deemed necessary but given many years ago and not relevant today. Hence unconscious mind is not too keen on my meditation practice where, over many years, I keep handing over new instructions which involve change which is hard work. So it needed once again to show me just how powerful, skilled and in charge it was in order I go back someways to how I was. Back to familiar territory and well trodden easy paths.

So unconscious mind cleverly groomed me. As I left Plum Village relaxed, happy and with a healthy Tanya I was in a good place. 'La Rochelle' slightly roughened things as the camping spot I had selected turned out to be unsuitable with the alternative being fine until the drunks left the bar just down the road continuing their noisy but good humoured noisiness well within earshot till 2am.  5.30am saw the first arrivals of the equally noisy Sunday Market traders. We, it very quickly became apparent, were going to be blocked in if we did not leave quickly, which we did, stopping again out in the countryside to recoup.

I was tired but still in a good place as we arrived at a lovely 'Aire du Camping Car' in 'Notre Dame de-Monts' close to the beach but right in the forest where I could let Tanya out without traffic or road worries. She duly did her bit, wandering in and out of the van with never more than 5/10mins between her comings and goings. As I drifted off to sleep I had no inkling as to how skilfully unconscious mind had set me up for the trauma that was to follow in the morning.

Morning came, Tanya went out and came back. I deemed it safe enough to leave her where she was, curled up in her bed, but with the door open so she could wander in and out. I meanwhile settled into meditation. Well that was the good intention I had, but settling was not there. I'd heard Tanya go out but 'deep mind' was not letting me in, instead deep (or unconscious) mind kept calling to my attention the fact Tanya was not back. In other words; "How dare you consider bothering me again with more trouble. Here's a set up I've organised that will teach you".

Despair and Lamentation it was then, well and truly. Plus all the horrors around failure, guilt, loss of Tanya amplified through my sheer physical exhaustion. A real regression to familiar old territory.

There are two final twists to this story. The first demonstrates how mind somehow sets the final act to show superbly just what it is capable of. The second is live and ongoing and as yet to play out in its one directional fullness.

The First.
Bike was out as I, exhausted as I was, set about widening my search. Then a phone call, and this is the weird, spooky, coincidental, call it what you like bit. A phone call from an English lady in this very French area, who had found Tanya. In fact Tanya had found her by wandering in her front gate. The lady and her husband had only arrived late the previous night for a week of renovation work on their cottage just up the road from the 'Aire du camping car'.

We were duly re-united and, I think, both extremely happy to see the other. For me though it was such a wonderful thing for her to be handed back along with good communication where I was able to unload some of my despair. She empathically understood and hugged. What more could you ask. A perfectly designed ending. Clever, clever unconscious mind.

The Second.
I'm at Cherbourg Ferry Port right now having rushed up here. Tanya the very next day was just not right. The vet I visited near Redon confirmed a weak heart and asked me what I wanted to do. Not a good question to be faced with when standing with a very sick 16 year old small doggy in your arms who can now hardly stand and only manages the occasional drink with help. I'm on the early morning ferry tomorrow. I hope she lasts. We've just had a chat and she would like to get to the UK before........

A retreat + a Christening.

The small name boards in front of each meditation cushion denoted that particular Monk's or Aspirant's sitting practice spot. As I slowly walked these cushion lines I realised that the beautifully deep, silent mediation I had just experienced was, in part, a gift from the always present lingering positive community energy from these rows of cushions which, are several times a day, occupied by dedicated, mindful, compassionate and very normal human guys dressed in their brown or grey robes.

After my period of sitting meditation and as I slowly, walked between these  rows of cushions down the length of the large and very beautiful meditation hall here at 'Plum Village' SW France, I was in 'calm meditative equanimity. The hall was completely empty, silent, warm and welcoming. In fact the whole of Upper Hamlet, the Male centre, was deserted as all the weeks retreat residents plus Monks had decanted themselves to 'Lower Hamlet', the Female centre, for a day of sharing. Although Tanya is accepted here at Upper Hamlet if I had decanted as well it would have meant her being left in Rap3 for the whole day, something I was not prepared to do. Besides; I preferred to stay and take full advantage of the emptiness and silence of this wonderful location. It also gave opportunity for me to cheekily take advantage by walking to the 'business' end of the meditation hall at both beginning and end of my meditation to sound the big deeply sonorous reverberating Mindfulness Bell. It was wondrous to settle into meditative posture and still hear those reverberating sonics coursing through body and mind.

I was not completely alone however: As I slowly and peacefully walked back toward Rap3 to retrieve Tanya I was gently accosted by Carol and Min, her husband, who were on the weekly retreat and had also decided to stay and enjoy the peace. They were young city dwellers from Singapore who also owned a house further South here in France. I think, seeing as how they were tent camping for the first time in their life, they had decided, like me, to ditch the ominously early 5.30am morning start for a more relaxed and loving routine. Especially as it was cold and rainy.

You are gently encouraged, when here, to follow the daily Monastic routine but also sensitive and sensible, leeway is readily accepted toward being skillfully compassionate, loving and kind to self.  This to accommodate the very different physical, mental, and spiritual requirements of the retreatants who arrive from all over the world with, as I've said, wildly different agendas, needs and cultures.

I was staying for just a couple of days but had agreed with myself to 'feel the energy/presence' as we went along as to how long I would stay. Rob from Leicester did that a couple of years ago and is still here. So too with my good friend Manuel, a Doctor from Spain, only it was 2015 when I first met him here. His small caravan plus tent has expanded somewhat but again he is still here. What has changed is that both of them are now different people having found here at Plum Village a way out of their individual suffering. But I shall leave tomorrow, at the end of the week. Fortunately I've not had to clamber out of any particular suffering. My visit this year has been more about gratitude for 'what is' , remarkable in itself when I look back over this last year. Plus a refreshing & rejuvenating of my already established Moho wandering at will, meditative practice on rubber wheels. Guess it's done Tanya and I no great harm over the last few years and I'm a great believer in; 'If it aint broke don't fix it'.

One of the retreat participants was heavily involved in organising and training groups in the recent 'Extinction Rebellion' London actions. A fascinating and passionate young man to listen to who gave real insight into 'what actually went on' and how action such as theirs is not going to stop. As you can imagine a hectic time for him so he got on his bike and cycled all the way down here to be a 'Happy Farmer' for the week. This was a retreat running in parallel involving work on the organic farm belonging to Plum Village and which supplies most of the ingredients for the plentiful and delicious vegetarian meals served up three times a day to us all. I had offered said young man plus bike a lift back up to one of the ferry ports but after a week of calming down and becoming himself once more he has decided to 'slowly' cycle all the way back. Safe pedalling my friend.
.........
The calm of Plum Village is way behind us now as we go thru our morning routine in the 'Vendee' area. Shall I take another day out & visit 'La Rochelle' or speed past to Brittany, my original idea?

My calm persona was tested yesterday as after a long drive I arrived at sleepy little 'L' Eguile' where my Park4night app indicated an OK place to stop down by the muddy tidal harbour. Only to find the last 300metre, through the narrow village centre was 'route barre' (closed) due to extensive re-modelling of the roadway.

"Arrrgh!" Back up, turn around; "sod it, I'm into the village hall parking lot and hope there's no event on tonight". A peaceful night did ensue apart from Tanya  being returned to me by the lady next door, having herself put together the 'Scotland' on the back of the van and the 'Saltire' on her collar. Tanya had not 'done wrong' but had wandered across the grass toward this ladies house where she had two large and freely roaming Alsations. Very kind of her to return Tanya to me and I said so in my best French while also praising her lovely house. This just in case she was about to launch into me for being an irresponsible dog owner. My strategy worked. We parted on good terms.

And finally a Christening. Penny Sue in Ireland. No I was not there but I attach piccys.

From Espana to Fracais.

It's the birdsong I'll remember this place for. Coming from the old oak scrub forest alongside the track where I'm parked. They, our feathered friends that is, had me spellbound at dusk last night and here they are again this morning serenading me with their blend of, 'were up, we're singing, we're happy, what about you?'  Not that here is anywhere special except it is exactly where I seem to love to be, alone, off the beaten track and in beautiful countryside. Yes: this is Aragon. A sparsely populated, harsh agricultural, green hilly terrain on the southern flanks of the Pyrenees.

The city of 'Lleida', in yellow ribbon and 'Liberate, we are not Spain' adorned Catalonia, was my last stop (A big affinity with Scotland and its own struggle to be free of the Westminster oppression is very apparent throughout Catalonia. I am always met with a wave and a smile when people see the Scottish Saltire on Tanya's collar or the Scotland emblem discretely displayed on the back of Rap3.) A very pleasant evening was spent on a 'bike walk expo' through the busy city centre and up to the impressive Castile & Cathedral ruins. Tanya would never have managed the steep walks up to the very top of the castle ramparts, actually not sure I would have either. E bike made it such a pleasing expo though with superb views under a warm and balmy sunsetty sky. We arrived safely back at Rap3 only to find we had neatly parked in a secure and ok place but it just happened to be midway between a large noisy fairground and a mega big music stage where groups were practising at full volume ready for the upcoming weekend Fiesta. The Spanish do not do early nights! Sooo: onto the 'park4night' app I go and it wasn't long before we were re-parked in a very pleasant suburban recreation area approximately 7km outside of Lleida. Phew, much quieter.

As I approached the small hamlet of 'Estopinam del Castillo', clearly visible with its ruined Castillo dominating the approach Road, I happened upon the village Font complete with old type washing pools and room enough to park Rap3. Well; clearly an opportunity not to be missed. Out with buckets, brush and once I had given Tanya a good shampoo I washed Rap3.

Tanya, grumble as she does on these occasions and despite it being a cold water shampoo and rinse, raced around afterwards like a two year old before sitting majestically in the hot sunshine to dry off.

We were wild parked just off an unmetalled road where several vehicles, in fact more than would be expected of such an isolated rough track, travelled past us at various times. Google supplied the answer. E bike came out and in the hot sunshine off we set down to the 'Puente' (small bridge) across the sky blue long narrow man made lakes. My intention was to continue to the popular and well publicised cliff hugging view point but I sensed the 5k rough track ride we'd already done plus heat of the day was enough for Tanya. Adding another 5k would, I feared be too much for her. It was a circular route to the Puente and back but the return was a rougher steeper track. Again E bike using its 'walk assist' feature and carrying Tanya plus rucksack made it a pleasant, mainly walking return to Rap3 with several stops under shady trees.

What I have noticed however: and additional to Tanya's age and condition, is that now, several hours later and in a different location, I am also totally knackered to the point of feeling sick. The sunshine, the adventure of exploring, me feeling good and healthy is all a miracle after last year's cancer. Little adventures like today though thankfully, and safely, remind me I just have not got the physical stamina I used to have. However: a good day overall and now we're parked up for the night atop a windy ridge with snow covered Pyrennian peaks in the distance. Rest for now though. We'll draw a little closer to those imposing peaks tomorrow.

And indeed I have. I could have stuck to the N230 and crossed the border into France but I diverted up and into the high Spanish Pyrenees for one more night. The weather is clear blue with not a cloud in sight. That is always an encouragement to go high for all the breathtaking views.

The road I took was directly above a little hamlet 'Senet de Barraves' leading eventually to a reservoir. I decided to be kind to Rap3 as the steep, twisty, cliff edge mountain road had been metalled (tarmac) when the dam was constructed but was now rapidly deteriorating. We stopped halfway up at a conveniant 'suntrap' corner with its own little mountain stream trickling by.

"C'mon Tanya, let's get the bike out and carry on up the track".

Which we did. Similar to our previous trip, not all the way up to the dam but within sight and well up into and above the rapidly diminishing snowline. Spectacular views plus some very strange looks from two 4x4's as they passed us. Tanya loved it as this road/track was not so rough as our last bikewalk expo plus she was snug and warm in her wooly jumper as blue sky and warm sun aside the unpredictable viscious mountain gusts were straight off the very high and deep snow covered peaks. They slice through you like a sharp knife without the necessary warm clothing. Thank you Kate for all that high Scottish mountain walking/learning. I've not forgotten.

France tomorrow. Not far from Lourdes but I don't intend visiting this time.

Nb - the little white dot on the distant roadway (look directly above the rear of Tanya's green bucket) is Rap3.
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Tanya... nearly gone!

Lenny, Win" I called out. "Tanya has collapsed, she is not looking good." Lenny and Win, my good friends from 'Moraria', turned back and we all became concerned as poor Tanya lay sprawled out on the pavement looking almost dead. Without further discussion Lenny sprinted off to fetch the car. I carried Tanya in my arms as we walked back to where Lenny could pick us up. I was worried, confused and out of sorts, and really thought this was it, Tanya was on her way to doggy heaven.

I'd been with L & W, parked roadside outside their recently purchased two bed old style fisherman's cottage. This was supposed to be my last day before moving on and we had all gone for a walk to "Moraria"' sea front where there was a lively music and food festival going on. Tanya had been no trouble and was doing her usual trick of trotting along sampling all the sniffs, until that is, she suddenly vomited & totally collapsed.

Over the previous few days in back of my mind had been a dim and lingering expectation of something due to happen as, over the previous couple of weeks, she has given me two frights which, from my experience of life tells me a third fright is due.

The first incident happened when I was feeling a 'wee bitty peely wally' (Scottish for 'just not right') and had overnighted on the edge of a residential area of several tall apartment blocks. We were separate but safe and I could let Tanya out to wander which she often does, never usually straying far out of sight. This time however; which also happened to be last thing at night, alarm bells started to ring as she had drifted out of sight and too much time had passed. My rising agitation was starting to reach panic levels as I methodically searched and called but got no little black flappy eared doggy appearing suddenly from behind a bush or waste bin which is the usual scenario. I scoured all round the tower block complex before, in desperation, entering the complex itself. Much to my relief, I found her there as a fellow doggy owner plus the local bar keeper were examining her collar to establish who the owner of this lost doggy was. This, as I've said was right smack in the middle of the apartment complex, quite a long way from Rap3 and definitely not where I expected her to be. Tanya, to add insult to my 'upsetness' was not fazed at all and was quite happy in Mr Spanish but English speaking barkeepers arms. Grrrrrr!

Incident number two was up in the mountains behind Benidorm. A beautiful area with views & small bendy mountain roads to die for. We'd parked in a small Almond Orchard and set off up the mountain side on a good track intending to walk the 1.7k to a 'Fuente' (Fountain). For some time now, on such walks, I have had to carry Tanya on the rough steep rocky bits putting her down again where ever there is easier walking. This has cured me of; 'having to reach the destination' as I have to make a careful judgement as to my fitness/stamina in respect of getting safely back to Rap3. We were on the way back and I had negotiated a particularly steep gully where I'd carried Tanya and then put her down to walk a pleasant flat section along the top of an Almond Orchard terrace. I relaxed, in my own little world, enjoying the high mountain peace, quiet and insect buzzing fragrant warmth.

Tanya often lags behind on these walks so I was not worried as I stopped to wait for her. It was a comfort stop but by the time percy was once again secure behind zipped fly madame Tanya had still not appeared and could not be seen anywhere along the path as I slowly retraced my steps while calling out her name. I was almost back at the lip to the steep gully and once again fighting rising panic before I heard the familiar tinging sound of her metal collar tag. I looked down and there she was, six feet below me on the lower terrace. I had to climb down the rough stone terrace wall to retrieve her and I presumed she must have fallen down it. Again, thankfully, she seemed quite unfazed by the incident but more to the point, also uninjured. She trotted along behind me once again but this time with me frequently noting her presence. As we reached the last part of the walk, a well used concreted track, I thanked the 'Divine mountain presence' for returning us both safely while also requesting that the inevitable third 'fright' be not disastrously overwhelming or calamitous.

So here we were, at fright number three. Win, bless her, cottoned onto the seriousness of Tanya's current situation and also realised I was somewhat in shock, compromised and in general, unable to make a decision. She immediately phoned their vet and Lenny soon had all of us there.  Mr Vet in no time at all inserted a drip into Tanya plus two injections. Bearing in mind this was a Saturday afternoon and Mr Vet was forgoing a family gathering. He really was a true animal loving Vet and a lovely guy all round. You would not get that in the UK.

We all then waited and over the next two hours Tanya slowly came to, lifted her head and finally was able to stand although her back legs were extremely wobbly.

While we all waited Mr Vet also checked out Buster, L & W's little Shitzoo. He also had a minor vomit plus he was coughing which made us all think the two conditions were related. Buster in the end was fine with cough the result of him being concerned for Tanya and injesting some of her fur as he had insisted on licking Tanya's semi lifeless body continually during the car journey to the vets.

Tanya, and its now several days on, has recovered well. It is now very apparent she is a very old lady. Walks are now not done in the heat of the day plus they are shorter, slower and often involve me carrying her some of the time. But she is still 'up for it' eating and sleeping well and liking nothing more than a quiet camping spot where she can wander around at will sampling the sniffs.

Two postscript to this story.

1). The Vets bill was ridiculously cheap. So much so I had to insist he charge correctly for the three Saturday afternoon hours he dedicated to saving Tanya.

2). I dedicate this story to my Sister in law and family who unfortunately were not so lucky in that they lost their beloved fourteen year old doggy on the same day. A Surreal and sad coincidence.