Twelve weeks on from major cancer surgery and I seem to be doing OK. Fingers crossed eh. I am of course talking of the physical. The body. My body. A system now compromised, a lot lighter and lacking in the stamina I enjoyed before my affray with Oesophagael cancer. The system, albeit compromised, is working though and still supporting an awakening mind. I mean, what use is a body if it is not to support a forever developing and awakening mind. Which conveniantly brings me to the questionable psychological nature of my recovery.
"I would not recommend making any major decisions until you are six months post surgery".
This was the good advice I received from my surgeon at our last meeting where he also informed me the Biopsy results on all bits removed from me were good enough for him to announce me as surgically 'cancer free'.
Receiving this news is huge. It is empowering, overwhelming and totally, from my psychological point of view, unexpected and uncontrollable.
I am impulsive by nature and being given another chance at life my impulsive nature soon, with purpose and determination, overruled any good advice from skilled surgeons. I rapidly emptied out my bank balance and welcomed motorhome 'Rapido3' into my life. She is a beauty, a 2015 model with all the bells and whistles I require and she is in pristine condition.
Once again I question my actions in regards to sanity but the decision making was based on good research and good understanding of my impulsive questionable mental ability. What was going on in my mind was every time I thought seriously about changing my lifestyle and staying in one place my heart sank into a sort of grayish blackness.
"I really would like another few years of my travelling lifestyle so sod it, I've been given another chance at life and I aint about to go and waste it. Let's just go for it"
And I have!
..........
This is my 2nd night out and 'Rapido3', although slightly smaller is coping well. During this 'shakedown' stage I have chosen storage locations for all my stuff on a bit of a; 'well it fits there so that'll have to do' basis. Slowly stuff gets moved around and eventually some sort of order emerges from the muddle. Comfy bed though.
I'm at one of my favorite places tonight. A peaceful and quiet old orchard at the back of one of my previous customers farm. This time my visit has been rocked as my good farmer friends wife has been diagnosed with terminal leukemia.
This on top of another good friend in Scotland who is as we speak in the final grip of a relentless and all consuming cancer.
As an 'at present cancer survivor' this double whammy does not so much bowl me over as make me sad, reflective and spiritually puzzled as to why. Not only why is cancer so prevalent but also why am I a survivor? The thoughts go deep and are existentially challenging. At the end of the day though all I can do is be there with empathic listening.
The 'Tibetan book of living and dying' states it clearly.
"Never underestimate the benefit to others of concentrated listening even if only for a few minutes".
Time to take Tanya for her evening walk and then to clamber into that comfy bed. Life goes on.
1 comment:
Sorry but the retired nurse insists that you are very careful not to overdo it physically or emotionally. You have been through an awful lot of trauma. Don't wonder how or why you - just gracefully accept that it isn't your time yet, for which this friend is very grateful. x
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